Healing Timelines: PT1
It has taken a long time to be in this point of healing recognition, lifetimes of ancestral wounding in my own blood line and ultimately the blood line of humanity. From the soaring height of Divine Consciousness, to the plummeting depths of fear and shame, this life on Earth has revealed a wide band of frequencies that is accessible to the human being. Just as much fear is there bliss and consciousness. Just as much joy is there pain, just as much stability is their chaos, its a paradox of apparent opposites everywhere. The polarity of creation creating harmony, despite what our mind defines as harmonious.
There is an ache in the womb, Something undefined and ancient, with pulsating feelings of guilt and shame that are calling for attention. My inner child made it clear the other weekend in the darkness of the Libra New Moon. There is deep injustice to the relationship I have held with my body and sexual life force. She has felt cut off, unworthy, in a way thats deeper than an every day belief system. this programing is so deep in the unconscious mind. Few of us walk around expressing that we don't believe in our gifts, that we feel unworthy or afraid to be fully alive and embodied as who we truly are. Yet it is there in some ways, maybe lurking in the field of doubt or shame that is still waiting for you to enter and plant new seeds. New life beckons from places you would least expect...
Buried deep into the cellular tissue, hidden in the corner of life experiences, like a faceless enemy that’s inside the body, outside reflecting through disembodied partners and relationships that crashed at sea. A fear of true intimacy, yet its what I deeply desire with myself and in connections with the world and those around me. An ever present sense of lack, despite the infinite abundance that presents itself in every moment. A quaking rumble every time I get close to another, to hide in shame for the pain I have not wanted to be seen. Of being too much, of not being enough, each story building upon the next until I tune in and take a deep breathe.
I did not always always have the tools to tap in and witness what is rising, for a long time I dismissed the tools I did have in avoidance of what needed to be healed. Such a deep dive into the unknown with a feeling of eminent death. And yes it is death, death to the small box I was still holding onto, because that abandoned and abused little girl was ashamed to step into the light. A trauma is a complex energy. The emotional and mental qualities can create a grid lock in the body, like a feed back loop of a variety of fight or flight responses that can include emotional outbursts, isolation, addictions, avoidance tactics, and self repression or over compensation. In the time we live in now, many of us have stored trauma in the body, whether it is minor or a dramatic experience, what you feel is valid. For most of my life in this body, I dismissed and repressed the pain in my body and what it was communicating because I did not want to feel into what it was saying, and I did not feel like I had it as bad as other beings Spencerian. Comparison will never serve your healing, it has not served mine. The ego is so subtle, I did not even recognize how much ! have been invalidating my hearts truth, body's wisdom, and inner knowing.
The pangs of sexual trauma, of not being safe to love, creating repetitive patterns of not being enough, of struggling to survive, emotionally, mentally, physically. no matter how much I showed up for myself to heal. All the ceremonies and experiences of nature preparing me to collapse to the earth in surrender to a wound no being should have to endure.
And yet so many have, almost everyone I know has been robbed of the sense of safety in the body, from so many angles of conditioning and abuse in the society we are within currently.
I am beginning to realize I haven’t been fully living, not in the aliveness of the spirit inside, not in the expression that flows effortless and free. Not in the erotic harmony of mother nature and the creative life force within this vessel. As I continue to dive deeper, I will be sharing different tools from a variety of wisdom teachings that have been nourishing and helpful in maintaining a healthy relationship with the Kosha bodies, clearing out trauma and emotional stagnation, and transforming lower energies into creative life force through inner alchemy. We are blessed to have access to these tools of inner reflection, creative expression, our own sacred breathe, mother earth who supports us unconditionally.
Grounded in the power of love and the wild grace that swept my life into an unknown mystery, with constant death and rebirth as the curriculum of growth, alchemy, and service to this world. This work has been my service, to dive into depths and uncover the illumination beneath the surface of darkness. To rewire, rewrite, recreate without needing to define. To discern what is the mind and what is the voice of the Soul. To remember and breathe into each moment like a divine lover, to come home to every moment like I never left, even when it has felt so far away.
We are one with the Earth, her body is our body. I have learned to recognize that what I am feeling within is manifesting the experiance I have in every moment. The sense of abuse I feel, is what humanity has been doing to the Earth too. As within, so without. As personal as sexual trauma and abuse can feel, I also can not help but see the deep defiling of our Earth Mother. How we treat her is how we have been treating one another, even how we have been conditioned to treat our selves, and this will heal. It will take time, a quantum leap, and lots of coming together, but this wound will heal. The greatest medicine beings from across the Universe's have been called to this planet at this time to shift these programs and assist in Gaia's ascension. If your reading this right now, you are one of them.
When I witnessed and experienced a first mystical encounter in 2014, incredible shifts began to take place. I can get into all of that another time, right now I am here to express the lightness and the darkness. I was ripped out of the womb, thrown through another womb, and landed back in a completely different state of consciousness within the body. the purity and innocence of support radiating in every cell, for the first time in my life I felt wholeness, peace, the truth of humanity, and the wonder of what had happened. Why did we fall so far away from this. Why is our society and systems so deeply corrupted. Why is there so much disconnection between humans and nature? Why is their suffering if our natural state is pure love? The understanding permeated my whole body and mind.
From that moment on the weaving of a new dream began. I truly had no idea what had opened up, it has taken the last 5 years of trail and error, great adventures to many worlds, ups and downs, deep returns to Gaia's Body, deep grief, deep joy, deep flow, deep intimacy, deep remembrances, a deepening in every level of experience. I continued to evolve my yoga practice, dove into many forms of energetic therapy such as crystal healing, laying of the hands, sound therapy, Prana healing, etc, studied consciousness and the psychology of the human mind, dove deep into Advaita, non duality, and self inquiry meditation, remembering the mystic within and ancient wisdom teachings of the Divine Feminine, unlocking ancient tribal memories and the shamanic roots of all life, tapping into the animal and plant medicines and creative embodiment, so many layers, each so synchronisticaly woven as I learned to listen to the whispers of my soul again. It wasn't always loud, and she wasn't always quiet, but something in me knew it was guiding me home again, to my wholeness, and in my prayers, humanities wholeness. Each step guiding to the next as I witnessed the discovery of the infinite facets of spirit.
To be where I stand right now, in this ever present eternal moment, feels more real than I have ever felt. Stabilizing the soils of my being to nourish the seeds that have been planted so far along the journey. Before the flower bloomed in my mind, it was like a concrete jungle. The mind like a grid lock of the city streets of New York. Controlled by the systems that had been passed down through conditioning and ancestral lines. The natural jungle of our being paved over by the egos pain and need for control, by enslavement to the human race from the inside out. Each weed of conditioning and old stories that you pull, plant a seed of truth and let that tree grow, knowing eventually you will bear the fruits of your inner work and the true state of being revealed through your direct experience.
I believe in being ready, for what is to come as these illusions, very tangibly, continue to shed away and reveal the roots again of humanities purpose and true state of being.
For now beloveds...Namaste...
May you feel eternally blessed and in peace.
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